the low level

1 Fri 14th Nov 2003 [13:14]14 years, 8 months, 7 days, 1 hour and 35 minutes ago
Well, there are no secrets here, so I'll just blurt it all out, things that no-one else knows. There will be no more reading between the lines for you, no more viewing page source...

Firstly, quite simply, I've never been kissed. Never had a girlfriend of any sort. So yes, you probably knew that, but I come close to getting 100% on the spark purity test. Tully, this was the big secret I said I had in the email preamble to out lengthy discussion in the Gibson chamber.

Secondly, I have a half-sister. Between 1994 and 1997 my father had an affair in Jakarta, Indonesia, where he bigimously married a woman by the name of Shanti under muslim custom. They had a child, named Tickva, a name reserved for my sister's first child. I think she was born in 1996, but I'm not sure. I've never seen her and doubt I ever will. This isn't even my secret, but it's the only other secret I have.

Now onto something more modern: last night I had a dream (well, since it's past midnight it's technically the night before last, but last night if you will) which was very strange. It makes me think that I might be bisexual: I dremt I kissed a guy, and I quite enjoyed it actually. I mean, I have the same asexual reation to everyone... anyway, so consider, I might be bi... of course, once I say this publically it becomes true. Like when I said I liked Julia... this automatically became absolute truth, as soon as others knew it, although it migth not be... it was like she was the love of my life and I would never live without her - at least, that's how it seemed from peer reaction. But really, that wasn't the case, that was just what was created from statement. Anyway, more on this later (or, more specifically, on my asexual reaction to the universe)... but bedtime now.
2 Sat 15th Nov 2003 [01:36]14 years, 8 months, 6 days, 13 hours and 14 minutes ago
This whole bi thing... I don't know. I mean, one swallow does not a summer make. Still, given my explanation in entry #53 (high level) I can't see why I don't like guys as well. Ah, this whole thing is too difficult... why am I even bothering to question my sexuality? It's not something I've done before, and I don't really care.

So, simply, until I find a guy who I really like, I'm straight. But I might find a guy that I really like, in which case I'm bi. But it's clear to me that there are girls that I really like. So.

This is not me talking, I swear. I never talk like this, so openly... perhaps more interestingly, I can't see myself talking about differing sexualities.

I'm not taking this seriously. But there is no evidence to suggest that life is serious. Equally, life's a game. Quite seriously I belive that life's a laugh and death's a joke. Why bother to take it seriously, when you can get away with not... I'm not taking it seriously.

And Tully, despite the possible hypocracy of your statement and the possible inaccuracy of my next one: I will take your advice, and if I like someone just fucking go for it. I mean, really, what do I have to loose?
3 Sat 15th Nov 2003 [08:42]14 years, 8 months, 6 days, 6 hours and 7 minutes ago
Well, this is the third entry about relationships, so I think I'm seeing a pattern in my thoughts... not good. I should be panicing about exams or some such thing.

Anyway, so I found myself wanting to sit near Tanya at dinner this evening. Tanya. The sex-obsessed maniac in year 10. She talks incesently about sex, always bragging that she's bi. But I still wanted to sit near her. Perhaps because at least we hold converasions.

I also noticed Patricia, in the biblical sense of noticed. Oh the irony, oh the hypocracy, but she is actually quite easy on the eyes... and she's very intelligent.. and she's my age... I think. Anyway, somewhere about my age, although she's in year 10. Ah, perhaps I was just noticing that she had Simon and Garfunkel written across her t-shirt (i.e. she had the lyrics of Sounds of Silence, a great song that I love, rather than the words "Simon and Garfunkel" or anything of that nature). Anyway, maybe I'm beginning to normalise - become driven by sex. Maybe I just strive to be close to any girl with whom I have contact.

Yes, I think that's it. I love complexity more than anything, I hate the boring people. That's why you guys are my friends. And, stereotyping, guys are much less complex than girls. That sucks, I love complexity. I think I've blogged this before. Anyway, hence I prefer the company of girls (although there are dumb single-minded girls as well, who are boring as shit). And hence I gravitate to any girl who'll talk to me, 'cause there arn't many of them. Hence I wanted to sit with Tanya and talk to Patricia.

Ah well, I'll stick with short maths-based conversations with Stef, which is most of my conversation these days out of the boarding house. Oh, I'm wallowing in self-pitty again now. Today's a great day, things are going great, life's a laugh, death's a joke, I'm off to purse my lips and whistle, also perhaps laugh and smile and dance and sing (reference to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, by Eric Idle). Yes, I'll go to Hudson's tuesday, talk to YPers... it'll be good. Life is, after all, good. There, no more self-pitty, no more feeling bad. Now I'm off to eat chocolate cake and respond to Sarah.
4 Sat 29th Nov 2003 [13:48]14 years, 7 months, 23 days, 1 hour and 1 minute ago
I've been reading through the last few entries, and they're all a bit melencholy. But then, there's nothing for them to be happy about that I want to keep secret.

I often wonder how people would react if I told them the big two (sexuality is still an issue in question, so no revealing because once something is said it becomes fact... people don't treat life as a game, but that's what I always unintentionally do). I mean, how would people react?

I have a feeling I know, too: outward indifference, if not true indifference. Well, such is the way of the world. I said once that one of my two biggest fears is that nobody cares (which I then made into a joke, offending Maddie again... I'm not doing well with this). It is one of my biggest fears - that I have no friends. Consoling aside, on publishing entry #14 the immidiate reaction was "that's not actually that interesting." Which said to me two things: firstly, nobody cares (but I already knew that). Secondly, what I consider to be a big deal isn't, really.

This doesn't necessarily require low level status... but I feel that I need to give you something. Perhaps my websearching habbits? No, they remain irrelevent to the conversation.

One final thing: please comment... what were your reactions etc.
5 Sun 7th Dec 2003 [10:49]14 years, 7 months, 15 days and 4 hours ago
Yeah, sorry guys. By "last few entries" I meant the high-level entries about 55 onwards. And I was presuming that I'd actually finish blogging a few immidiatly after publishing. Sorry for wasting a lowlevel like that. Hopefully this will be a reward for your... umm... patience?

So, I've openly confessed that I like Julia. But here's the thing. It's, well... let me put it like this. Love is emotional - there can be no doubt. Lust is physical. Yet what I feel is a rational, conceptual, mental attraction. It's not love, because there's not the same emotional invovlement. It's not lust, because I don't get an erection every time I see her (or anything even to that effect). It's just... well... an attraction.

What I feel worse about is that I can change that at will. I went to a party Friday night (Fran's party - very cool) and... well, again let me digress to tell the story properly. Friday morningish I overheard a conversation. Emma and Jenny are two Youth Parliament people with whom I stay in touch (also a few others, who don't come into this) who attend Saint Mary's College (year 11/12 for the Americans). So I overheard Emma saying to her boyfriend, Kester "... and that's all Catholic girls talk about: sex" (SMC is a Catholic school). To which Kester's reply was "Is that all Jenny talks about?" and Emma's reply was "no, Jenny never talks about sex... in fact I don't think she's ever even kissed anyone."
Now, Jenny just turned 18, so this being true or otherwise her conservetism greatly endeared her to me. She's a lovely intelligent girl and one I quite like. So the same way I liked Julia I changed the focus of my romantic intentions (not worded properly) to Jenny. And all it took was a little thought. I then made it true (by telling someone - Emma, while I was very slightly inibriated, but at serendipidious prompting). So now I like Jenny.

This is further complicated because today I went to Zone 3 (laser tag game, fun) with Pat, Fran and Claire TL. Now, Pat and Fran are a couple (an interesting but irrelevant story, also the origin of the word 'microgesticulation'), but CTL is single. Now, CTL is in year 11, is 16, and she's a nerd. She reads BOFH regularly (or at least she knows about the BOFH). One of her aims for the summer holidays is to learn C++ properly. She's great - plus she's semiathletic. So I again changed the focus of my romantic attention (ahh, that's the phrase I was looking for) to her. Yet this one has not been affirmed.

So you see my 'love' (though it is not that, I know not the word to describe what it is - suggestions, please!) is not all that sincere, unfortunatly. I am confused - I guess a standard state, but really, something should be done.

A hen is only an egg's way of making other eggs (Anonymous) You must meet Mr. Science at the Bastille and get the dictaphone. Nark.